Hey friends, and welcome back to Un masking the Heart for Change. I'm your host, Tammy Winstead, and today we're diving deep into one of the most misunderstood and emotionally charged words in the healing journey. Forgiveness.
I believe forgiveness isn't weakness. It's actually the boldest kind of freedom that you can give yourself. It's not always easy. It doesn't always feel good, and yet it's necessary not for them, but for you.
If even hearing that word makes your shoulders tense or your breath catch, then trust me, you're not alone. I've been there too. So before we begin, I want you to pause. Breathe. This isn't about fixing everything today. This is about creating space, space to listen, to feel, and maybe just maybe to find the courage to let go.
Maybe it's time we stop waiting to feel ready and instead let ourselves feel the fear that forgiveness brings and choose to take that first step anyway, because courage isn't the absence of fear. It's moving through it with grace for the sake of your own healing.
There was a hard truth I had to unmask within myself, and it started with looking in the mirror. I used to be quick to react. I lived by the eye for an eye principle. Thinking justice would bring peace. If you hurt me, I would take it upon myself to settle the score. If you disrespected me, I made sure you felt it, and I was great at making it sting, unfortunately. And for a while that felt like strength. Then I came to the realization that it wasn't strength, it was actually just the pain of self-protection wearing a mask.
And even when I began to mature emotionally and when I thought I was forgiving more easily, walking away quickly, I realized I was still holding on not to the pain necessarily. But to the hope that maybe just maybe the other person would someday get it. That they'd finally become accountable to the pain they caused, and apologize and become who I needed them to be. While unmasking it, I realized I was expecting me out of them . And yes, I was constantly disappointed.
And maybe that's what hurt the most. Not just what they did, but who they were to me when they did it. The person I trusted, the one I supported, the version of them, I built a space for in my life and in my heart.
Forgiveness isn't just about releasing the pain. It's about grieving the version of the person that you thought that they were. It's mourning the story you told yourself about who they'd be. It's letting go of the expectations, the future moments you imagined, and the loyalty you gave even when it wasn't returned.
That kind of grief is real. Accepting it and processing through it deserves space too. But friend, let me tell you, not everyone has the capacity to feel genuine regret. Not everyone possesses the kind of heart awareness it takes to truly understand the weight of their actions.
Not everyone owns a mirror big enough to see themselves clearly in, and if you're still standing there holding space for an apology that's never coming, you might be standing still forever.
I used to think that the principle do unto others as you would have them do unto you, meant that they would return the kindness back to me. But unmasking forgiveness showed me it never promised that. It never said they would. It just said, you should.
Sit with that for a moment.
It never said they would. Do unto you. It just said you should do unto others. Whew. That hits differently when you're the one holding the wound and the wisdom doesn't it.
So let's unmask it. Here's the shift that changed everything for me. Before I truly understood forgiveness, I didn't carry resentment. I carried responsibility. I would replay conversations, not because I was angry, but because I was trying to figure out what I did wrong. I wanted to understand what I could have done better. What I missed and what I caused.
But somewhere along the way I realized I was holding myself accountable for things that were never mine to carry. That kind of weight, even when it comes from love or reflection, can still break you. Forgiveness helped me set it down. It reminded me that owning my part doesn't mean owning all of it.
Forgiveness was never about them. It was never about excusing what they did or letting them off the hook. It was about finally removing the hook they left buried deep inside of me. That realization hit hard and it took time, but once I truly understood it everything began to shift. I used to believe forgiveness meant weakness, that it meant saying it's fine when it really was anything but fine. But I've come to learn. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting. It's about seeing the wound for what it is and still choosing to heal anyway. It's about choosing me because I deserve that.
Let me be real clear about something. Forgiveness isn't saying what that person did was okay, because it absolutely was not. It's not pretending it didn't hurt because it did. It doesn't mean letting someone back into your life who's already shown you they can't respect and handle your heart. Forgiveness is about you reclaiming the space you deserve, not reopening wounds, and then came the apart I never expected.
The moment I stopped needing others to validate my pain. The moment I quit overexplaining justifying or performing just to be seen. The moment I chose to let go of the pain and forgive, and decided to start unapologetically showing up as my true, authentic self. Something in me shifted. And when that shift happened, everything around me shifted too. I began getting invited into rooms I didn't even know existed. People started seeking me out, not because I proved myself, but because I finally stopped chasing what no longer aligned with who I was becoming.
My energy changed and so did the invitations. Forgiveness wasn't just about letting someone or something go. It was about finally making room for what was waiting to find me.
I heard something recently that made me pause and think the statement was, maybe you feel stuck because you're still asking life to set you at tables, it intended you to flip over. Hmm. Let me say that again. Maybe you feel stuck because you're still asking life to set you at tables, it intended you to flip over. Wow, that one landed hard. But as I meditated on it, I uncovered another truth.
Maybe you feel stuck because you're still asking for a seat at tables when entire rooms were being created for you instead. You've been knocking on doors that were never meant to open. Waiting for invitations to places you've already outgrown. But friend, what if that delay wasn't rejection? Maybe it was redirection. What if the table you're grieving wasn't meant to hold the version of you that you're evolving into because while you were trying to earn your place, life was building a room where you don't have to shrink, prove, or perform. A room where your peace is welcomed, your voice is honored, and your presence is enough. Maybe you've been limiting yourself by clean to spaces that were never meant to sustain you. Maybe that season served its purpose and now it's time to rise, release, and move forward into something bigger, something more freeing, and something far beyond what you could even dream or imagine. Because when your energy shifts, your atmosphere changes. And when forgiveness unlocks your heart, the next chapter doesn't just find you. It warmly welcomes you. And the pages, well, they begin to fill and write themselves. And let me tell you, it's a beautiful process to witness.
Once I realized forgiveness wasn't about waiting on an apology or needing others to understand. I knew I had work to do. Heart work. And I knew for change to truly happen, it had to start within me. So I began the process of forgiving the people I needed to forgive.
Not just in theory, but in practice. For me, of course, journaling was the first step. The quiet starting place where healing began. It gave my thoughts, permission to exist, not just in my head. But fully present in the room with me. It allowed them to breathe and to be acknowledged and to be witnessed. No filter, no performance. Just the raw, honest pieces of me finally acknowledged, finely honored and no longer dismissed, especially not by me, but over time, journaling alone wasn't enough.
Something still lingered like a weight I couldn't shake. It wasn't that I needed to confront the person. I just needed to stop carrying what I'd never given space to release. That's when I started writing letters. Not to send, but to speak the unspoken and let it go.
In each letter, I gave my pain, a voice. I named what hurt . I gave my feelings, space and validation without needing anyone to agree with me or justify them.
And at the end of every letter I wrote: "Name, I truly forgive you, and I release you from the expectation I placed on you of how I believe you should have acted." Then I'd fold the letter, seal it in an envelope, write their name on it, and take it to my burn barrel. I'd drop it in, watch it, catch flame, and let it turn to ash.
Let me just pause here and express the true liberation that came in that moment. Because when I dropped that letter into the fire, it wasn't just about burning the paper, I was burning the weight of silence. The sting of unmet expectation and the invisible contract I had written on my heart. The one that said I had to keep holding it all. Watching those words turn to ash felt like exhaling something I didn't even know I'd been holding onto for years.
It was grief. It was truth. It was release. More than anything, it was freedom.
Freedom from waiting on an apology.
Freedom from needing someone to understand what they never saw.
Freedom from carrying a version of myself that was built around pain.
And no, it wasn't instant perfection, but it was a shift, a soul deep release. The kind that quietly says, you did it, you let go, and now you're lighter.
Friend, is there someone or something that's still weighing on you? You don't have to solve it today, just name it. That's where your healing begins, because sometimes closure isn't something they give you. Sometimes you have to give it to yourself.
I've crossed paths with some of those people I wrote those letters to. And you know what? That familiar knot in my stomach, it's not there anymore. Why? Because I already did the work. I gave myself the closure I needed, and if they ever do come to me with an apology, I already know what I'll say. I'll simply say, "I forgave you long before you ever apologized, and I truly wish you well."
Then I'll walk away, not out of bitterness, but out of peace and out of the promise I made to myself to guard that peace at all costs. Because for me, I've already said what need to be said, and I've already made peace with the fact that I don't owe anyone a lengthy explanation or even an overly warm welcome back into a space they chose to leave. I don't have to reopen doors that were shut by hands other than mine. Sometimes healing just means knowing where you stand and choosing to stay rooted in that.
Forgiveness gave me something I didn't even realize I had lost. It gave me back me. It returned peace to my space, strength to my voice, and reminded myself that my energy is valuable and it's mine to protect.
Robin Williams once said, "everyone's fighting a battle you know nothing about Be kind always." It's a life principle that I choose to live by daily, but I've also added this to it.
Yes. Be kind always, and don't forget to be kind to yourself.
If this message has stirred something deep inside of you, but you're thinking, I'm not quite ready to write a letter like that just yet, that's completely okay. Forgiveness is a process, not a performance.
Maybe for you, the first step is simply showing up for yourself each morning. This week I'll be doing something a little bit different because I know all too well the struggle that forgiveness can be. I've decided to walk with you each day this week, and we'll start unmasking the forgiveness journey together.
I've created a seven day challenge to help you begin unmasking forgiveness gently, intentionally, and at your own pace. Every morning for the next seven days, I'll be posting one journal prompt on our social media daily. Just one question, one step toward healing. No pressure, no perfection. Just permission to begin, and we'll do it together by taking one step at a time.
So if you're not quite ready for the letter in burn barrel just yet, maybe your starting place is a simple notebook, or a voice memo on your phone. A quiet corner. And a question that helps you unlock what's been buried for far too long.
However you choose to respond, I encourage you to either write it down or speak it out loud. There's something powerful that happens when you give your thoughts a voice, and even more so when you reflect back on them, because sometimes the breakthrough comes not just in what you say, but in hearing what you've been holding inside.
Be sure to follow our social media pages and check in daily to join the journey. I'll be right there with you every step of the way. I decided to create the seven day forgiveness journal prompt because I've seen how easy it is to get stuck in the forgiveness phase. We can tend to camp there circling around about what they said, what they did and what they didn't do. But here's the truth. We don't have to stay stuck in a place created by someone else's actions. Why camp in a place built by someone else's choices when your healing can move you forward? So here's your reflection for the week.
Who are you still silently waiting on? Whose name still holds weight in your chest because you're expecting something they may never be able to give? What would it look like to release them from that expectation? Not to excuse what happened, but to free yourself from carrying it. And if that person you're waiting on is you or the version of you that you left behind in pain, doubt or regret, it might be time to reach back for them too.
Friend, your feelings are valid. Your hurt is real, and your healing is possible, even if it's slow and even if it's quiet. Maybe you'll find that you're ready to write that letter. Not for them, but for you. Speak your truth, acknowledge how it made you feel, and then write it, seal it, burn it, bless it. And most importantly, let it go. Because friend, you deserve peace. You deserve release. You deserve to reclaim your energy and make space for what's coming next in your life.
Honestly, another hard truth I had to unmask was that maybe the person I need to forgive most is the version of me who didn't know what I know now, the version who was just trying to survive with the tools I had at the time. I've written letters to past versions of myself, to the girl who stayed too long, who kept quiet, who didn't yet believe she was worth more.
I'll be unmasking that journey in future episodes because those letters, they changed everything for me. Now I know writing might not be everyone's thing. I find it liberating because it allows my words to have their space in the room with me. But if journaling with pen and paper doesn't feel natural to you, that's okay. You can use the notes app on your phone, record a voice memo, or take a video of yourself just processing out loud, whatever helps you release what's inside. Let that be your practice. Once you've released your truth, whether through writing, voice, memo, or video, remember to take the time to return to it. Reread it. Listen to it, sit with it.
Let your own words echo back to you. Sometimes the breakthrough comes not just in the expression, but in truly hearing what your heart's been trying to say all along. True freedom comes when you go back and listen or read what you shared because that's when the breakthrough starts. That's when your truth starts speaking back to you.
Sometimes giving your pain a voice, whether through writing or speaking, is what unlocks the courage you need to face the breakthrough you've been longing for.
Friend, thank you so much for being here with me today and setting with me as I unmask a truth that was hard for me to face. Forgiveness isn't easy.
I know that firsthand, but it was one of the most powerful choices I made for my own healing and the fact that you stayed with me through this conversation. That tells me something about you. You're ready. Maybe not all the way, but ready enough to start, and that's more than enough. If today's episode touched something in your heart, I'd love to know.
You don't have to share it publicly, but if you're comfortable, send us a quick message. Even a simple, this really resonated with me means more than you know. It reminds me that these conversations are meeting people right where they are. And healing is unfolding even if no one sees it happening.
And friend, if you're still sitting with this message and wondering where to begin. Don't forget about the unmasking forgiveness seven day journaling prompt. Each morning I'll be posting one gentle journal prompt on our social media pages. One step. One question. One invitation to breathe a little deeper into your healing. Follow along and don't forget to check back each day and give yourself the space to explore what's been waiting to be released.
And if you know someone who needs this message, please share it with 'em. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss a conversation. And if this podcast has made a difference in your life, take a moment to leave a review. It truly helps more hearts find this space.
And as always remember, change begins within and it starts one heart to heart at a time. Until next time, keep healing, keep showing up for you, keep seeking the peaceful, healed life you truly deserve. See you next time guys. Thanks so much for being here with me today.
Bye.