Hey friends and welcome back to Unmasking the Heart for Change. I'm your host, Tammy Winstead, and today we're diving into one of the most important conversations that I personally feel like we will ever have on this podcast. Today we're talking about why we wear the mask, why it's so hard to take it off, and why unmasking matters even more when life gets heavy, especially around the holidays and during the darker months of the year.
This episode is tender. For me, it's personal, it's honest, and I believe it's truly needed. So, breathe with me, release your jaw,
Let your shoulders drop and now come sit with me for a moment. Let's talk about why being mindful right now matters more than ever and explore the healthier, gentler ways we can support ourselves through this time of year. Friends, let's unmask this one together. So here lately, I've been reading and journaling a lot more about mental health, not because it's trendy, but because it's become a vital part of my daily well-being.
It's the gift I give myself, the gift of self-awareness. The permission to say, I'm not okay right now, and to know that it's completely okay to say those words out loud. Now, before I go any further, I want to prepare you for something. In this episode, I'm going to unmask something very tender, something that feels scary for me to say publicly, but first,
I need to name the truth about who I am and how I lived most of my life. I'm not someone who is naturally vulnerable. I can actually count on one hand the people who have ever seen the rawest, most unfiltered version of me. I'm a caregiver by nature. I'm the fixer, the listener, the one who shows up.
Your problems, I'll pull them to the front of the line and handle them with urgency and compassion. Mine?
I'll tuck them away and deal with them privately, quietly, and usually alone. And yes, I know that's a coping mechanism. I know it's something I need to work through. But one thing at a time, right? Awareness is the starting point and I'm working on it.
I also want to acknowledge something else before we dive in deeper.
This platform exists to be a safe space for me, for you, and for anyone who shows up with a story to tell. We do not judge here. We listen, we hold space, We respect each other's lived experience, even if we don't fully understand it.
That is a value I will always stand on. I listen without judgment and I encourage you to practice the same.
It will free you in ways you didn't know you needed. Now, with that said,
I'm about to unmask some things that I've only ever shared with a handful of people and my therapist. Things about who I've been, who I'm becoming, and parts of my journey that may surprise you. But I ask that you stay with me. Understand that who I have been is not who I am becoming. I am committed to evolving into the most authentic version of myself. And that evolution requires honesty about the parts of me that still need attention and healing.
One of those parts is this, for most of my life, I've struggled with mental health and depression. Wow, that was really hard to say. Now, I want to be clear. I am by nature, a genuinely happy, upbeat person. I look for the good. I celebrate the good. I choose the good on purpose. I don't pretend the bad isn't there. I just refuse to let it consume me.
I am also a person of deep faith. I believe with my whole heart that I can cast all of my cares on him because I know the author of my story cares about me. That truth grounds me and brings me to so much peace.
But in this season of self-discovery, I've realized something really important. A lot of my depression came from wearing masks. From trying to live as a version of myself I was never designed to be. From trying to fit into expectations, molds and roles that others told me I had to play. And that weight, that heavy, suffocating weight, was baggage I picked up over time that I was never meant to carry.
So today, friend, we're unmasking it. We're gonna talk about it openly, bravely, and honestly. And I'm inviting you to join me in this deeply personal conversation. Because I truly believe that as I unmask my truth, you'll feel pieces of your own mask start to loosen too. And as it does, I hope you find the courage to take it off and completely and boldly
walk away from it. We're all very aware that we're stepping into the darker months of the year. The season when daylight disappears faster than we want, our vitamin D levels drop, and our bodies start to feel that shift whether we admit it or not. This is the time of year when seasonal depression starts to climb. Anxiety shows up uninvited. Sleep becomes inconsistent.
Our energy drains quicker and emotional triggers rise to the surface. And as if managing all of that isn't enough, we pile the holidays on top of it and then somehow wonder while it feels impossible to keep everything from collapsing. Friend, I don't have the answer either. On paper it sounds simple enough, right? And listen.
I love the holidays. They are generally my favorite time of the year. Even as an adult with grown and flown kids, I still get goosebumps at the end of the Macy's Day parade when Santa turns that corner on his sleigh. I'll always be a kid at heart. There's just something beautifully magical about it. But here's the truth we don't talk enough about.
The holiday can also shine a bright, blinding spotlight on the parts of our lives that feel broken, complicated or unfinished. It's the most wonderful time of the year, and sometimes it's the most emotionally confronting time of the year as well.
Some of us go home to places that hold memories we haven't healed from. Some of us sit at tables where someone is missing. Some of us face unspoken tension that's been ignored for years.
And many of us carry the invisible weight of trying to hold it all together when we're actually struggling. There are countless studies showing that 38 % of people report increased stress during the holidays. 64 % of people with mental health conditions feel worse this time of year. Women usually carry the emotional load of expectation, caregiving, and holiday performance pressure.
social media comparison peaks and financial stress increases. And perhaps the most heartbreaking statistic of all is that the more we pretend, the more isolated we feel, which brings us straight into today's conversation.
the mental health cost of wearing the mask. In a world that applauds the polished put together, the perfectly filtered, taking off the mask feels like one of the bravest and scariest things we will ever do. Trust me. I know that from this past year. There are episodes I've written where my heart was pounding as I typed. Episodes where I had to force myself
not to delete every vulnerable sentence. Episodes where I did delete them 10 times before finally deciding, okay, Tammy, this one needs to be said. Somebody has to say it. And unfortunately, it's got to be you. Like episode 19, unmasking my biggest regret with wasted conversation. The story of losing my best friend and life mentor. That episode took me four months.
and what felt like a hundred drafts to finally get a version I could release. And the truth, if you had told me in October of 2024 that I would be hosting a podcast, building a community, writing again, and sharing the private messy middle parts of my life in public, I would have rolled my eyes, laughed, and told you that you were absolutely delusional. But.
Something happened to me in October of 2024. A shift, a whisper, a knowing that I couldn't keep living at half volume anymore. Now, let me be very clear. I do not want fame. I do not want a spotlight. Honestly, my loud laugh does enough of that for me already.
It forces everyone in the room to turn my way to see what could possibly be so funny. But purpose, purpose found me and this podcast became the home. didn't know I needed. So let me pause here and get very real with you. More vulnerable than I'm normally comfortable being because the truth is in October of 2024,
I was at the height of my depression. I've walked through depression before, but never like this. Never to the point where I genuinely scared myself.
I turned to my therapist more. I prayed harder. I journaled constantly. And yet nothing could shake the storm that was happening inside of me.
It had been two months since I moved my youngest off to college. My extremely independent child,
the one who has tried to take care of herself from the moment she could stand on her own two feet. She is built just like me and we'll all figure out later whether that's a blessing or a curse. But when I drove away from her apartment that day, there was a quiet knowing in my spirit. She wouldn't be coming back home the way she once did.
That season had closed. On top of that, I couldn't shake a memory. A promise I made over 15 years ago to my best friend, Janie. We said that when our last children were grown and flown, we would take a celebratory trip together, two moms stepping into a new chapter. But that promise expired for her 12 years ago when she was brutally taken from us far too soon.
I had touched the edge of that grief before, but I had never looked the full weight of it dead in the eye. So with my therapist, I finally started to unmask that lost piece by piece, gently, painfully, and bravely. And then top of grief, top of transition, on top of emotionally unraveling, my husband.
My best friend and my anchor was working a brutal schedule. Six nights and days on, two off. Constantly flipping between shifts during the darkest months of the year. So there I was, navigating depression, empty nesting, resurfaced grief, spiritual exhaustion, and all while doing it alone, a lot
And I look back now and think, hmm, wonder why the plates didn't stay neatly stacked. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right? Nah, I didn't think so either. But the stacks did fall and the crash out did happen.
There were nights I cried myself to sleep praying I wouldn't see the morning. Yes, friend, I said that because it's true. The nights felt heavier and lonelier than they ever had before. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to give up. Yeah.
The Tammy who always pivots. The Tammy who fights through anything. The Taurus bull who charges straight into the fire. The independent fixer who figures everything out. She disappeared. And the version of me that showed up instead felt like a stranger spiraling exhausted and broken in ways I had never known.
Then came that October night.
David and I were out of town and while the world around me slept, I found myself standing in a dim hotel bathroom, staring at my own reflection, a reflection I barely recognized. Something inside of me snapped, or maybe it awakened. I locked eyes with myself and I said out loud, Tammy, enough is enough. You are
Done. You will not sit in this another day. By this time next year, your life will look completely different. Do you hear me? The path won't be easy. You're going to face things that you never expected. People will fall away. The shedding will hurt. But if you want something different, you have to do something different. And you're starting right now. I walk back to the bed and eventually drifted off to sleep.
only to be jolted awake a few hours later by the blaring smoke alarms going off in the hotel. They startled David so badly that we just packed up and went home. Because sure, why not? We were already wide awake at 3 a.m. But looking back now, that moment feels symbolic. Like life itself was shaking me awake. Like the world around me had to echo the internal alarm
I finally responded to. Here's the thing. No one knew that night happened. Not my friends, not my family, just me. And later, my therapist. But I didn't need anyone else to know. I needed to know. I needed to remember the promise I made to myself in that mirror. Because that moment became the turning point. The unraveling and the rebuilding.
the death of who I'd been and the birth of who I was becoming. And friend, that's how powerful our thoughts, our words and our minds truly are. That's why scripture cautions us so strongly to guard them because they shape everything. But I'll save that rabbit hole for another day. So let's talk about something tender. Why do we even wear the mask in the first place?
Nobody wakes up thinking, let me hide today. It happens slowly and often unnoticed over time until one day you wake up and think, who are you? As you look at yourself in the mirror. The truth is that we often wear the mask because we think we have to be the strong one, the stable one, the successful one.
The one who never cracks. The one who keeps the peace. The one who fixes everything. Those are the reasons I wore my mask. Sometimes it's born from survival. Sometimes it comes from the pressure of expectations that others place on us. Sometimes it's from childhood conditioning.
Sometimes it's the fear of rejection and sometimes it's simply because we don't remember the last time we truly felt safe enough to be seen. But here's the cost. We lose ourselves trying to be who we think we have to be.
So why in the world am I so passionate about unmasking that I've built a whole podcast platform to talk about it? Well, that's simple. It's because I know the absolute damage that all the years of pretending did to me. Like in 2020, when I was building True Love Designs at my kitchen table during a global shutdown, shipping labels everywhere, never-ending exhaustion, I hid the fear. I hid the doubt. I hid the burnout.
I pretended the polished version was true because I thought that's what strong, capable women do. But pretending came at an extremely significant cost. You see, when we pretend we carry pressure quietly, we hide our fears, we downplay our needs, we smile through the burnout, push through the grief,
Pretend we're fine. We are silently teaching ourselves you don't deserve help unless you're perfect enough to receive it. Let me pause here for a moment and say that one more time. You are telling yourself you don't deserve help unless you're perfect enough to receive it. And friend, that is a lie.
Every hidden emotion becomes a locked room that you place the lock on the door. Every mask becomes a barrier that keeps people from seeing and responding with help that you desperately need. Every time we pretend, we take another step away from the support we deserve and sink deeper into that trapped version of ourselves.
The one who's trying to keep all the perfectly stacked plates from crashing down around us. So friend, I have found that unmasking isn't just symbolic. It's a mental health necessity. Now, I wish I could sit here and tell you that in that hotel bathroom, I waved a magic wand, whispered a prayer, and everything magically started falling into place from that moment forward.
But friend, that would be a movie script, not a real life testimony. What actually happened was opposite. That night, I challenged myself in one of the most extreme, soul-shaking ways possible. I drew a line in the sand. No, not sand, because sand shifts. I drew a line in concrete,
Once that line was there, I knew I had a choice to make. I'd basically look myself in the mirror and said, put up or shut up. And I had to decide which one I was going to choose once and for all.
Yes, I had support around me. I had people who loved me, but also knew deep in my bones that no one could walk that decision out for me. The turning point was mine alone. The shift was mine alone. The work and the real heart work was mine alone. Here's the truth.
Something transforms inside of us when we finally start telling the truth. The real honest truth. Not the polished truth. Not the half-safe version, but the raw, honest, unfiltered truth. When we finally speak it out loud, the truth we've been avoiding
the truth we've whispered only to ourselves, something shifts, something softens, and something releases. And for the first time in a long time, freedom finally has room to breathe.
Because when we finally speak that truth boldly, something beautiful happens. We discover we're not alone. That we are not the only one who's cried on the bathroom floor. Not the only one who's questioned all of our life choices at 3 a.m.
Not the only one who feels stuck, lost, burned out, or unsure of what's next. When you choose to unmask and tell the truth, it gives everyone else around you permission to unmask and breathe too. Your vulnerability becomes a permission slip. Your honesty becomes a lifeline. Your unmasking becomes someone else's courage. It's been a very
freeing and liberating thing for me to witness this past year. But let me also pause here and say, life will challenge you to determine if you are truly ready to do the work that's required to get to that next level. We'll dive further into that in a future episode. Now, let me say this. This platform isn't built on theatrics. There's no stage lights, no 10 cameras set up jumping from angle to angle to manufacture the perfect moment.
No friend. It's just me, you, and the hard work that we both so desperately needing. This space is where I say, if you're a beautiful hot mess who is trying, healing, unraveling, rebuilding, learning, crying, and still showing up.
Welcome home. This is a movement of truth tellers, late night journalers, silent strugglers, brave healers, and everyday people learning to breathe again. And for me, this podcast is the first place my heart has felt safe enough to finally exhale. So friend, if you're in a season where you are waiting, wondering,
unraveling, rebuilding, questioning, grieving, growing, then that's great, friend. You have finally found the space where you belong. There's no countdown timer, no expiration date, and no right pace that you must move at. Because the truth is, growth is not a race. It's a return. A return back to your true, authentic self. And I have even more encouraging news for you.
You do not have to navigate your mental health alone. Through therapy, journaling, reflective conversations, you will find that those avenues are not a sign of weakness. They are wisdom.
I often joke that I'm the conductor of the hot mess express, and maybe I am. But if so, who cares? At least I'm on a train going somewhere and not just sitting in my mental health issues wallowing in them. I'm determined to address them, to get down to the real root of what's causing me to act, think, and respond the way that I do. At least I'm choosing healing instead of hiding.
And let me tell you, I know I'm making progress. The Tammy facing life in 2025 handles challenges with far more courage and clarity than the Tammy before her ever could. Do I get it all right every time? Absolutely not. Not even close.
give myself grace and I'm showing up every single day determined to grow into the absolute version of myself. Okay, so let's talk about how the unmasking process started for me. Well, the first step was simple but powerful. I'm a symbolic person, so I bought a mask and put it on my nightstand. It became a simple reminder
The mask wasn't allowed to go with me anymore. Every morning I woke up and I saw it. Every night I walked past it when I laid down. It became a symbol of the old me I was determined to leave behind. And it became a powerful reminder of the person I was choosing to become. That mask came with me to my photo shoot for my podcast branding session. That's why the look in my eyes is so real.
The vulnerability captured in those photos is truly authentic because the mask I was removing was a choice I was determined to make. For the first time, I was showing everyone visually.
what 2025 has been doing inside of me all year long. But unmasking was only the first step. There were other steps I had to take, intentional steps, steps that required honesty, discipline, and a whole lot of self-grace. Step two, I began listening and observing, really observing.
I started paying attention to what was happening around me and inside of me. When an emotion would rise, instead of reacting immediately, I paused. I asked myself, what triggered this? Why did that comment sting? Why did that situation make my chest tighten?
What story is my mind telling me right now? And instead of bypassing the emotion or shoving it down like I used to, I gave myself time to process it, to feel it, to name it, and to deal with it. Then I move forward instead of staying stuck in the same emotional loop.
Step 3, I gave myself permission not to respond. This one was big for me. I had to learn that not every comment, not every situation, not every opinion deserved access to my energy.
I didn't have to defend myself. I didn't have to argue. I didn't have to explain. I didn't have to prove anything to anyone. Sometimes the most powerful response is silence. And sometimes without making an announcement or creating a scene, you simply remove the energy vampires from your life and keep walking forward. You let them talk. You let them...
think whatever they want. You let them stay where they are while you're rising. This one to me is the most liberating because it's where you choose to stay true to your character. And in time, your character will speak for itself without you even having to utter a word. Step four, I protected my peace at all cost by setting healthy boundaries
for myself. Now, this was a non-negotiable. Protecting my peace meant I had to let certain people fall away. It meant I had to stop trying to rescue everyone. It meant accepting that not everyone is meant to go where I'm going. And it meant realizing that their chaos doesn't have to become my anxiety. That their storm doesn't have to become my assignment.
that their dysfunction doesn't have to live in my mind or my spirit.
These steps were uncomfortable at first because when you're used to carrying everything and everyone, setting boundaries feels like a betrayal. But friend, let me tell you, it wasn't a betrayal. It was a breakthrough. I wasn't losing people. I was gaining a true authentic version of myself.
One I have loved waking up to every morning because I finally feel like me again. Before we leave today, I want to leave you with a question. One that stays true to everything we've talked about in this episode so far.
What mask are you still wearing? And what would change in your life if you gently set it down?
Maybe it's the mask of, I'm fine when you know you're not. Maybe it's the mask of being the strong one, the fixer or the hold it all together person. Maybe it's the version of you who performs so no one ever sees how much you're hurting inside. Whatever it is, I want you to name it. Write it down. Sit with it. Pray over it.
and journal your way through it. Ask yourself, when did I first start wearing this mask? What has it cost me to keep it on? And what kind of peace, healing, or freedom might be on the other side of laying it down? If you feel safe, share it with someone you trust. You can even share it with me. I would truly love to hear your story.
Because your unmasking might be the encouragement someone needs to begin their own healing journey. If this episode spoke to you,
if you saw yourself in any part of my story. If you're ready to start unmasking in your own life, I want to invite you a little deeper into this movement There are currently four ways you can go deeper with us in the coming year. Number one, we have Unmasking Purpose, our deeper dive community, where we have a Facebook group and a section on our website called Unmasking Purpose.
And that's where we are going to go behind the scenes of the conversation you hear on our podcast. In that space, we'll be exploring how the leaders and guests you hear on the show got to where they are, what resources they use, like books, tools, therapy, coaching, or communities, the training programs and opportunities that stretch them, and the practical steps they took to grow, heal,
lead from a more authentic place. It's the how they got there part of the story. The part most people never talk about and I want you to have access to it. Number two, I have a new blog. I'll be going deeper with my writing. Yes, I'm also going back to writing again.
On our website under Unmasking Purpose, you'll find a blog where I'll be diving even deeper into episodes like this one, talking about mental health, faith, leadership, grief, boundaries, identity, and all the messy middle parts of becoming. From time to time, I'll share extended reflections, stories I didn't have time to include in the episodes, and journaling props to help you process your own journey.
You can sign up on our website under unmasking purpose to get notified whenever new content drops so you don't miss any of those deeper dives. Number three, training and growth opportunities. We're also building out training opportunities, both online and in person, to support you as you grow. Like workshops and sessions on leadership, purpose, storytelling, and mental health. Resources that have helped me or other leaders stretch and evolve.
tools you can use in your own life, family, work, or community. I recognize that there will be those that can't find the courage to go into these new rooms that challenge themselves just yet. So, I'm going to meet you in the hallway and do my best to make things less intimidating and more accessible to you by helping you meet and connect with some leadership powerhouses that I know.
All of that will live under the unmasking purpose section of our website and blog. So be sure to subscribe to the email so you never miss a chance to connect, learn, and grow. And number four, of course, share your own story. If you have a story of change or growth, transformation, or healing, I would love to have you as a guest on the podcast. You can find the guest application form on our website and in the show notes.
Your story might be the exact lifeline someone else needs to hear.
Friends, thank you so much for being here with me today as I'm unmasked this very vulnerable topic about my own struggles. Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. And thank you for being a safe space to unmask with me, one layer at a time. Until next time, take a breath, take care of your mental health.
and please find the courage to set that mask down. You deserve to be completely seen for the amazing person that you truly are. And always remember, change begins within and it starts one heart to heart at a time. See you guys next time. Thanks so much for being here. Bye.