Welcome back to Unmasking The Heart For Change, where we dive into the real stories behind transformation, one, heart to heart at a time. I'm your host, Tammy Winsted, and I'm so thankful that you've tuned in to listen today. In this episode, we're stepping into the courageous story of Brandi Maddox, an HR leader, trauma survivor, community advocate, and author of After the Bruises Fade.
Her memoir doesn't just trace the survival of abuse, it shines a light on healing. Resilience and what it means to rebuild a life when the bruises are gone, but the scars still remain. This is about finding your voice, unmasking your truth, and choosing to move forward one step at a time. Brandi's story reminds us that healing doesn't always start with perfection.
It just starts with honesty. Today she's sharing how she's unmasking truth in her life, work, and community. How she's turning her pain into purpose. I wanna pause for a ma moment and acknowledge that today's conversation will touch on the themes of domestic violence listeners'. Discretion is advice.
Friends, this episode is as real and as raw as it's gonna get, and I'm truly honored to walk alongside you as we unmask this story together. Brandi, as I read through your story and responses, I kept catching myself saying, wow, again and again and again, and I'm so thankful you're here with us today. And even more grateful that you found the strength to walk through those struggles and transform your pain into something meaningful that others can draw strength from.
It's super special for me today to follow up with my personal episode story from earlier this month and the fact that we're getting to capture this in October, which is domestic violence awareness a month. So before we dive in, could you introduce yourself and share a little bit about who you are for our listeners?
Sure. Um, my name is Brandi Maddox. I am married to my, uh. Best friend. Uh, and I have two kids, Riley and Eli and I have been in HR Ooh, right, at 20 plus years. Um, and so I sit on two boards in our community and, uh, decided in my free time, which I have zero, but that I would write, that I would write a book.
Um, and so, um, just, just documenting my survival, healing, uh, that path that is. Not linear at all and, and just trying to find my way through life. Yes. Well, one of the most powerful things that you shared with me is that healing began the moment you stopped running from your story. Choose to face it head on, and that literally hit me like a ton of bricks.
Honestly, when I read that, it stopped me dead in my tracks. It's such a powerful truth. Every journey of healing begins with that moment of honesty when silence just can't be contained any longer. And in your book, after the bruises fade. You open with raw honesty about survival. I'd love to go back with you for a moment because while it's such a brave and difficult step, it's also opened the door for others who may still feel stuck in survival mode.
So let's unmask that together. What was the moment when you knew silence was no longer an option and change had to be made? Mm, that's such a great question, but I. I think the breaking point came when survival stopped feeling like living. Um, so I realized that if I didn't speak my truth, the silence itself was gonna be what destroyed me.
So I, I think we get stuck in this, you know, for years I was trying to protect everybody else's comfort in really minimizing my own, uh, minimizing the abuse and the fear and the shame. But it was, I mean, the silence, uh, was protecting the very thing that almost killed me. And so the moment that I decided to tell the truth, even if it cost me relationships or my reputation, that was the moment really where I started to reclaim my life because I realized that speaking, uh, wasn't just about sharing my story, it was about choosing myself.
Maybe for the first time ever. In your memoir, you talk about the ache of never feeling enough. I think that's a statement that many of us can identify with. Can you share what it felt like to carry that weight and what helped you start to see yourself differently? So that ache really feels like just living with an invisible wound that never closes.
So I tried to earn my worth. Uh, through achievement. Uh, I went and got degrees in certifications and I carried large titles. I was the strong one, uh, but no matter what I accomplished, it was just this constant voice that kept whispering. You're still not enough. Mm-hmm. So the shift came when I learned to separate what happened to me.
Mm-hmm. From who I am. Mm. The, you know, the abuse and the rejection. Yes. All those things happened and they helped shape me. Mm-hmm. But they didn't define me anymore and I started to give. Grace, I, it's the same grace that I give everyone else but me. Uh, and then that's really when the healing began because I stopped chasing external validation and really started to build internal acceptance.
Um, I mean, it was one honest, uncomfortable step at a time. It was painful. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think that's very powerful. That statement that you just made. How about you get, you gave everybody else grace but yourself, and we do that so many times and it keeps us trapped and stuck in places that we're not designed to live in.
Agree at all? Yep. Your book mentions that healing from trauma is never a straight line, which I love. I'm, I'm not gonna lie, I have opened the book and closed it and read it and read it. It, I've cornered several pages and from having someone that is in my life or was in my life that was touched by this, I think it, I, I saw a different side.
Yeah. And working my way through it because. I've often wondered why could you not? Why did you not, you know, the, the trauma you could just get out and just, but we're gonna talk about it. It's not a straight line. Let's talk about it. It's not a straight line. So where are some of the biggest myths about healing that you had to unlearn?
Um, I, I, I really think the biggest one, the biggest myth that's out there is that once you heal, you never hurt again. Hmm. Uh, healing doesn't erase the pain. It changes your relationship with it. Right. Um, another big one is that forgiveness is the finish line. Mm-hmm. And it's not, uh, it's a process of choosing peace over revenge, and sometimes you have to do that every day still.
Um, and I, and I think really I had to unlearn the idea that being strong meant never breaking. Real strength is letting yourself feel, and it's letting yourself rest, and it's letting yourself ask for help when you need it. Um, healing isn't about being unbreakable. It's about rebuilding. Softer, wiser, and more human.
Yes. Well, you've carried your healing into every space you walk into, whether on a manufacturing floor, in leadership rooms or in community boardrooms. Let's be completely honest here, that's not easy in environments that don't always. Value that vulnerability. Yes. So you said you spent over 20 years in HR and workforce development.
How has your personal journey shaped the way you lead and support others professionally? I think the, the biggest thing is my, my journey's taught me that leadership isn't about authority, it's about humanity. Mm-hmm. So I, I think that one of the things that, um, is unique probably about me is the scars that I carry.
Remind me every day that someone is fighting battles that I can't always see, right? So when I hit the floor, I don't just see employees, I see their stories, their struggles, and I definitely see potential. And so I try to lead with empathy and accountability. Uh, I don't just enforce policy. I think the whole point of being in human resources or being a leader, period, is to build people.
Um, and I think that I've, I've learned to look past. Behavior and ask really what the root of the problem is. So what pain or fear might be driving some of this behavior. And I, I think healing taught me to just lead differently. I try to create spaces where people feel safe enough to be honest, where you can make a mistake, but you're still growing and you know, compassion and accountability can coexist.
So I think that's the point where real culture change begins to happen in a organization. Yeah, I just had this conversation with someone that was upset with himself or letting them act their actions or old actions resurface and things that they, you know, skeletons that they thought had, they had moved past.
And I made the comment of what you're dealing with is a branch. Unless you get to the root of what caused you to act that way, you're never gonna change that cycle, you know? Acknowledging it, like you said, is one of the first things. Just being aware, sometimes just being aware that what I'm saying and doing right now, it has nothing to do with what I really feel.
It's stemming from something else. Yeah. You have to be able to identify your patterns and that takes a, a, a real in depth self-awareness, uh, to be able to do that. To, to say, Hey, uh. Maybe it's me. Maybe I am the problem. That's a hard one. That's a hard one to get out, isn't it? Man, it's, it's definitely not, not fun.
Those are not fun self-reflections. We like it when we do good stuff, but we have to self reflect on where we messed up or side stepped. It's, it's difficult. Yes. Well, you mentioned challenging toxic norms and bringing that humanity back into hr. Can you share an example of a moment where you saw real culture shift begin to happen?
Sure. Um, I think the biggest shift started when I stopped pretending that I had it all together. Um, for a long time, you know, HR is viewed as the place where you went when you got into trouble. Uh, not when you need help. We're not really looked at as like helpers, but I, I wanted to change that. Um, so I started being brutally honest about.
My own mental health journey, uh, talking openly about having anxiety and trauma recovery. And even the days when I, when I wasn't okay myself, um, I told my team, look, you can be not okay and still move forward. And I think honestly, that changed everything. You know, people started coming forward for support instead of trying to hide it.
Uh, especially as we came out of COVID, uh, we began to promote our EAP, our assistant, our employee Employee assistance program, uh, as a wellness tool and not as a last ditch effort to try to help, you know, so, uh, using it as a triage instead of life support. So, right, we held open discussions on trauma informed leadership, suicide awareness, um, mental health stigmas.
Um, I, I think really the telling part to me, uh, the first time I had an associate that came up to me and said, because you were honest about your story, I reached out for help instead of giving up. Hmm. And that's when I knew that culture was changing, and that's what leadership looks like. It's not about being invincible, it's about being real, being human, and still showing up when it's hard.
Brandi. Wow. Wow. When you become the example set by someone that gives 'em the courage. I mean, wow, that's, that's incredible. So for women who feel invisible in their workplace or personal life, what's that first step to claiming their voice? I think step one is tell the truth. Start telling your truth to yourself first, right?
Mm-hmm. Because we have to believe it. Uh, silence doesn't bring peace. It brings suppression. So you don't have to shout to be heard. And in fact, if you do that, you've already lost the argument. So you just have to stop shrinking. Mm-hmm. Uh, reclaiming your voice means, you know, setting boundaries, speaking up when your voice shakes, and remembering that you deserve space in every single room that you walk into.
The right people are gonna respect it. The wrong ones will be uncomfortable, and that's okay. Let them sit in. That growth always makes someone uncomfortable. Yes. I could not agree with you more, and I think that so many women get stuck in. You know, again, I, I think this story is, is really hard for me to unmask with you because I know you from a personal level and we knew each other when life was younger and we were, you know, it wasn't so messy just yet, you know, we hadn't gotten to the, to the messy part.
So knowing that, yet another person that I've had personal contact with, and it's, it feels like. It's heavy sometimes, but reclaiming your voice and giving yourself the chance to speak up. And to me, it really doesn't matter how many times you feel like you've been in that cycle of saying it over and over again.
The right people will love you and continue to listen until you're ready. Right, because you have, you said that yourself, you had to be the one. That said, this was enough. Like the line is drawn. I'm setting my boundaries for me this time, and the right people will stay beside you till you're ready and or they'll find you on your path.
Yeah, right. Well, your impact hasn't stopped with your own healing. Obviously you've carried it into the lives of others as well and became a stronger advocate in this space, which is. So incredibly admirable. It's one thing to get out of it, it's one thing to, it's a totally different monster to acknowledge that you got out of it and admit it and face it and help others through.
And I think that's what your book 1000% does. So through your role with families in transition and the Workforce Development Board, you're creating an access for people to, at some of their lowest points in life. What has that taught you about resilience on a community level? I think that, um, serving on both of these boards has, has really shown me that resilience isn't built in isolation.
It's it's built in connection. So families in transition, it's our, our local domestic violence shelter, uh, is deeply, deeply personal to me, uh, represents a part of my story that could have very well ended differently. Um, they provide emergency shelter counseling, legal advocacy. Uh, they, they have support services for survivors and their children, and it's, it's not just about safety.
It, it's about restoring dignity and helping people rebuild their lives after trauma. On the, on the flip side of that, the workforce development Board, I get to see resilience from a different angle. So helping people find purpose through training skills, employability, um, developing people is what fuels me.
So, mm-hmm. Uh. I think that work gives people more than just an income. It gives them confidence, it gives them structure. It should give them hope. So when you combine those two missions, safety and opportunity. You create really the foundation of real change. So you, you can't heal where you're not safe and you can't thrive without opportunities.
So that's what resilience looks like in motion. Right. Well, what do you hope that your book sparks for other survivors and families in your community? Uh, I, I really just hope that it starts honest conversation about what survival really looks like. Um, abuse doesn't end when you leave. Uh, the bruises fade long before the emotional scars do so for survivors, I really want it to be a mirror of hope, uh, to show that they're not broken beyond repair.
For families and communities, I wanted to shift the narrative from judgment to understanding. You know, for us to stop asking those questions that you asked, why, why didn't they leave and start asking what happened to them and, and how do we help? So if this book helps even one survivor to be able to find courage or one community to choose compassion, then it's done its job.
I just hope it, you know, that it strengthens the work of organizations like Families in Transition and inspires more people to create systems that heal instead of cause harm. Yes. Well, at the heart of your story is not just about survival, but the decision to keep choosing healing every single day, which can be hard, especially like you said, it's not linear.
It's not linear at all. And you said healing isn't about going back. It's about moving forward. What does moving forward look like for you today? Oh, sometimes it's hard. Uh, so moving forward to me looks like choosing peace over performance. Mm-hmm. I think for years I tried to prove that I was okay by doing more, helping everyone staying so busy that I couldn't function.
Uh, but now it's, it's more about slowing down. Setting boundaries, being intentional about rest. Uh, some days moving forward means leading courageously in my career. Uh, then other days it means like, I'm, I'm not okay today. And letting that be enough, uh, healing doesn't mean that I forgot what happened. It means that I'm, I'm.
Reclaiming who I am beyond it. So it's, it's not about trying to be who I am before trauma. I'm learning to love who I became because of it, you know, so I'm stronger, softer, unafraid to use my voice and my story to help others find their voice and tell their stories. Right? Many people listening might be in that messy middle of their own healing journey.
So what words of hope would you want to leave with them right now? You're not behind. So healing has no timeline. It has no finish line, and the messy middle is real, is it? That's where the real growth happens at. So some days you're gonna feel strong. Other days you're gonna wonder how you're gonna make it through.
Um, but both days count, right? You heal in layers. It takes courage. Ask for help when you need it. Mm-hmm. Lean on resources. So therapy, your EAP providers, faith, your people, your tribe. Um, but above all, I wish someone had told me, just give yourself grace. You're, you're not broken. You're rebuilding. The life that you're waiting for on the other side is worth every single step that it's gonna take to get there.
Yes. Can you, um, talk briefly to someone like me who had a friend who, who fell victim to this in the worst possible way, but what can those people that stand beside someone who's going through this, what can they do in the moment and. Even in the future, like what do they do? What's that resource look like for help, for from a friend aspect, I think sometimes you just gotta sit with a minute.
Yeah. Like you, you just gotta, you gotta sit with a minute and you, and you've gotta understand. I think it goes back to asking those questions like, what happened that made you feel like this was okay for someone to treat you this way. Mm-hmm. Those are the hardest things to understand because a logical person will, will say, oh my gosh, leave, pack your stuff.
Go, uh, you know, you're, you, you're, you're so worthy. You're so deserving of something so much better than this. And, and all those things are true. Um, but I think to understand trauma and to understand how it impacts our psyche and, uh, the reverberation that happens, right? Like when, um. We're triggered by things or, or that internal negative self-talk that happens.
So, uh, I try to be very aware of that. I still have very negative self-talk. Um, but find you a friend. My, my, um, HR coordinator, she is the best at, I'll say. Something very negative about myself. And she's like, you don't get to talk to my boss like that. You better stop talking. So, so I think that that's important, uh, to catch that, um, and, and really just make sure, because it, it starts there.
Like, what are we, what are we feeding our minds about ourselves and really trying to understand. Maybe don't fix, you can't fix, um. For one, somebody in a, in a seriously detrimental situation, probably isn't gonna tell you the whole truth anyway, but just making them not feel alone right. Sometimes is enough.
My best friend, whenever I left, um, my marriage came over and we sat on the couch. I, I don't know that we said three words to each other that day. Um, but we sat until the room was dark and it was pitch black in the room. I, we watched the sun go down. We never said a word, but just having her by my side when I couldn't articulate even what I was feeling or what was happening inside of me, um, that was enough.
And sometimes that's all you can do. Yes. I think that from a friend's aspect, you, you think, I wish I could, I should have you give all those things. But I think from friend's side, you have to give yourself grace too, because like you said, just being there, you don't have to have the right words. You don't have to have inspirational, groundbreaking, ground shaking words, you just presence.
Just being in that moment and letting the person just. Breathe and know that there's someone in the room with them that loves them, that cares about them. And because that's the moment you started your healing journey. Yeah. Just getting out was your first step toward, I mean, if there was of course decisions that you had to be made to get you to that point, to get out, but being present with someone in their lowest.
When you made you, I'm sure you felt hopeless in that moment. And like rock bottom, right? Sometimes sitting at rock bottom is all you really need. All you really need. Yeah. So yeah, sometimes rock bottom, you just need a friend. Yeah. Um, and, and I, I think that I, isolation is a symptom, right? Of trauma. We do that to ourselves, uh, for, for, for various numbers of reasons.
But, um. I, I think having someone present and sit with you, one, it, it counteracts uh, the rejection, the abandonment feeling. Um, but it, it may be the first time that that person feels safe, right? Knows and who knows how long, right. I was reading, um, a book the other day that, and I sent a, a message to my friend and it, she was talking about how um, the voice inside of her, he head was her worst enemy.
And the self-talk that she said to herself was the voice she wished she could silence the most, and she wished she could literally put tape over. And it just, oh my gosh. It was like hitting me so hard. And she said finally she named her in her voice. And that she, when that invoice would start queuing up and start regurgitating those things, she would tell it.
Shut the up. Yeah. Yeah. Call it by name. And I thought, that's so great, because we are, we're our own worst at that, you know? And that's probably what kept you in that. For a while is that self-talk and that how can I, and starting so seemed so heavy from someone that was divorced as well, you re reset your life.
Well that wasn't why you got married. You didn't get married to divorce, you hoped you never would, you know? Mm-hmm. And when you're in that moment where you have to make that decision and it becomes a complete reset in life and sometimes you're, you know, you're on up there in years and you know, you're.
Everybody else is continuing on with their marriages happy. And you're like, well, resetting. And then, Lord, don't even get me started about trying to start date again. Yeah, that's a whole nother horrible topic we could unmask, but man, I, you, you know, I, every time I look at my husband, I think I'm, so, I thank God for you all the time because I, you know, we, we were together before and, and then life brought us back together.
But, um. I just don't, I don't know that I could do it. I don't know that I could do it. Uh, he is, he is my person and he understands me. Sometimes I think better than I understand myself. And, uh, that's so super important just to, just to have that, uh, yeah. I, I told him the other day, I said, you, I cannot remember a time.
Where I was able to come home and, and just feel safe mm-hmm. In my, in my own house. Um, and. You know, that's such a foreign concept to him, you know, because he's, he's, he's just, uh, we, we, the other day did our ACE scores and, uh, ACE scores is the adverse childhood experience scores. And so it's, it's a zero to 10 score.
Uh, zero means you've had. You know, no, uh, childhood trauma. Wow. Uh, and, and 10 being the most. And, uh, you got two people that are married. Uh, his a score is a one and my A score is a 10. There are ones What? Yeah, I know. I know. But you know, I, I think it was, um. Amazing that, so, so my, my daughter did it, who, who lived through some of this with me, and I, I tried my best to shield her from that, but it was almost like I could breathe a second when she, she was like, okay, I did the test.
Uh, mine's a three. And I was just like, oh, thank God. Yeah. I mean, the relief that I felt from that, um. Yes. You know, it's like, okay, okay. You're doing all right, mom, right? Yeah. You didn't make your, you didn't trauma dump, which is, you know, I mean, when you're these situations, I think I did actually, I think I, I think I, I mean, I was not a perfect parent, you know, that from my book, I, I had very awful, uh, postpartum depression and maybe even borderline psychosis at a time.
But, um, and, and I made a ton of mistakes 'cause I was young. Um, but I think, I think really where you make the impact and, and really recover some of that is when you can sit with your kid and talk through some of those, you know, they're brutal. It's brutal. Um, it sit down and just really take ownership and responsibility for the decisions that you made.
Um, without, without making excuses for it, without. Trying to deflect or, or push guilt somewhere else. Um, just really saying, yeah, that, that was incredibly hard. And I'm sorry that I put you through that. I mean, she and I have those kinds of conversations all the time where it's like, I wish you would've gotten the healed version of me instead of the one that you did.
Yeah. Right. So, I mean, she, but she has always, you know. But I didn't, I got this one and I loved her just the same, you know? Right. So she's super, she gives me so much grace. It's, it's, it's fantastic. I think, um, like you said. You know, maybe from your childhood experiences that we both know, uh, for both of our sides, but being able to walk back into their bedrooms after you didn't, you as the parent didn't handle it correctly.
Yeah. And go and have the courage to say, you know what, I'm sorry. I let other things, my stress from today, my stress from life or whatever, bleed in and really just. Took it out on you. I'm sorry for that. Can you forgive me? Yeah. There's so much healing in that, that that is the, the semen of me and my children.
And now that they're grown and flown, they still, I'll still call 'em to this day and have conversations with 'em that about what's going on in my life. And, you know, we're, we're 20 plus years apart from each other, but because I had those moments. Of that with them. And I also had the moments of my faith where I had to admit that, you know, right now I'm completely dependent upon God to do whatever needs to be done to make the situation better.
And. When we were looking for our, for our house and trying to get outta my mom's house, which was a humbling experience. Divorcing and going back home where you left, that was, yeah, that was a great time, but been there, done that, got the t-shirt, right. And, but, and then all while your kids are in to, and you're going, well, they're seeing me fall on my face.
But, you know, hearing the kids' version of it now they talk about how. I always made it like an adventure of what we were going to next. Yeah. And I didn't really, so they didn't really focus about what was actually taking place until they were older in life and could really think about it. But, you know, we were looking for a house, we were looking for a place for our own.
So it was more about a quest for us, but. And then bringing the faith aspect of having them with me while I sat and prayed about a place for us and 'cause I would ask 'em like, what do you want in a house? Like what are you looking for? What would be exciting for you? And bringing those things that they suggested into the prayer conversations.
Now my kid is 23 and 20 and I'll call them about things and they'll be quoting scripture back to me or talking faith back to me. And I'm like. Planting those seeds in life and yeah. If I would've been the mom that just, you know, yelled at 'em, slammed the door and walked out, we couldn't have the hot conversations and the Yeah.
But I think that you just, you just touched on probably the most critical piece of like giving them that identity is understanding what their needs are and trying to ensure that you heard those needs and you're trying to meet those needs. Mo, most people that have trauma can't have those conversations because one, I like it, I don't it, it's almost embarrassing to say, but like when we started talking about unmet needs in therapy, like it set me down for a second because I'm like, I don't know, this is stupid.
I don't know because. From a very early age, if you never were in tune to what your needs were, you don't know what they are. Right? And, and then you grow up your whole life. People pleasing, fawning, you know, uh, trying to overachieve and be perfect, and you still don't know what your needs are because trying to be perfect is unrealistic.
And that's, that's not an actual need. And, and it's like. You know, I didn't, I didn't need another degree. I just needed a hug. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I didn't say, yeah, I didn't need any of those things. We just, sometimes we need physical affection. We need to know that we're safe. We need to know that we can be vulnerable without it being.
Manipulated or used against us, or, you know, as, as leveraged in some way. And when you come from a place that is, it is very transactional and conditional love. Uh, when you walk into a space that's unconditional love, that seems very suspicious. It's very suspect. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, what are you setting me up for?
What do you want? What do you, yeah, I'll say your question about what do you need? So. You know, my therapist would give me like things to think on and things to journal about and stuff. And so they were like in my mind, little assignments or whatever, and when she said, I want you to sit down. I want you to write down what does Tammy want?
I was like, okay, girl. I sat down with my journal, picked my little pen up and said, Tammy wants. Sit there blank. I do not know. And then I thought, you know, I've just had a bad day or whatever. I can't quiet my mind. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go take a bath. I'm gonna come back to this. Took a SAT in the bath, came back and I was going.
The day before the assignment was due, basically the day before my next next week's therapy session, I finally wrote down, what does Tammy want? And so when we jumped on the call and I'm talking to her, she's like, how did it go? I said, oh, it was horrible. I didn't answer it til yesterday. She goes, that doesn't surprise me.
Yeah. And I'm like, what do you mean? And she said. That's one of the hardest questions that we ask is what do you want? Because what you initially start doing. A lot of times is you start writing down what people want from you or what you do for people. Mm-hmm. But that's not really what you want. So when you have to really ask what do you want?
A lot of times you start scratching through and she said, so read off your list to me. And I read it off. And she said, I'm so proud of you because you didn't initially go in there. She said, I was expecting to go to rebuttal with all those of, no, that's what you do for your husband or that's what you do for your kids, or that's what you do for your job.
Or you know that's your vol. You, what does Tammy want? She said, you really gave yourself space to leave your page blank. Yeah. That's what you are ready to talk about. What Tammy really wanted. And I thought that's so courageous though. 'cause I don't know that if I was given that same homework assignment that I could leave my space blank.
I would think I have to fill this up and it has to be the best and it has to be all the words and it has to be. So that's really cool. That's, that's growth that you can give yourself space and not feel guilty or, um. Pressed on it, right? Yeah, it's, it was very difficult, I thought, and I kept thinking, Tammy, this is such an easy question, you know, like, why are you getting so hung up?
But everything I could think that I wanted, I thought, do I really want that? No, I have to do that. You know, like, that's something that I have to do. That's a condition of my employment. That's a condition of, you know, that What does Tammy want? And. Honestly the, the list was really short, which was also surprising that I just, the things that I really wanted outta life and they all centered around basically time and experiences.
And I think that it was part of my healing journey with Janie, and I think that was the point of my life when I realized time had come to an end. Yeah, when we had so many things out there that we were planning to do, we were gonna do, we're gonna get to it, we're gonna do that. And circling back this year or last year when I dropped Riley off for college and August of 20, 24, 12 years prior to that, we had, Janie and I had talked about August, 2024 we're having a girls trip.
Me and you we're gonna go somewhere 'cause we're gonna celebrate, we. We raised the kids, they're out of our house. They may come back, but, but we did it. And they're goodish, you know, they're good people, right? So, and then it was just this hollow, empty space that made the grown and flown even more heavy. So, you know, conversations with my therapist, I pulled out that page of what I wanted and I realized I made.
My, my relationship with during Riley, very intentional and the moments that we shared together, very intentional. And the times that I had with them very present because life had taken my person from me. Yeah. And it made me be, it's not a lot lesson I wanted to learn. Yeah. It's not a, you know, I, I would love to have learned it, learned that a a lot different, an easier way, but it was a.
It was an eyeopening experience for me to realize that time and just being present with people were more drivers than stuff. Like, I didn't care, I didn't write anything. I didn't write a big fancy house. I didn't write all that on there. 'cause it just was irrelevant, you know? Yeah. I mean, and at the end of the day, it, life isn't about stuff, you know, it's about, it's about those people and experiences that, that fill your cup and Yeah.
Um. I think that that's so important. Well, as we end, there's always one question that I always love to ask. The inspiring change makers that have, um, that share their hearts with us. Can you share a moment when a small act of kindness, either something you gave or received, left a lasting impact on you.
Yeah. Um, I think, um, as I've gone through this, um, healing journey with trauma, there was a time when I was barely holding it together. Um, I was quietly struggling, but still showing up. Uh, so a coworker had left a note on my desk that said, you make this. Place better just being here. And that note, uh, it is still, is still in my office.
Uh, but it hit me hard because I didn't feel like at that point I was making anything better. I, and it, and it, and it just reminded me that. Uh, sometimes we can't see our own light, even when it's still shining. Uh, so that small act of kindness reminds me that sometimes the simplest words can change somebody's day or even save their life.
Yes. Uh, now I make it a point to pay it forward, uh, and, and I make it a personal at work. I make it a. I, I set a number every month that I want to offer personal recognition some way, either it's an email, uh, we have way to go awards or, or something, some way that I do something that just lets someone know, um, you know, that I see 'em.
Uh, because you never know whose world you're, you know, they're just barely holding it together in, in one small act of grace. Could be the thing that saves 'em. Mm-hmm. It was for me that day. Right. Well, your story definitely reminds us that survival is not the end. It's the beginning of something new. And to our listeners this week, I wanna leave you with this reflection.
Where in your life have the bruises faded, but the healing still needs your attention This week? Take one step, big or small. Toward tending to that part of your story. Brandi, thank you for the courage that you've shown today and truth that you've shared with us here on Unmasking The Heart for Change. We do believe that every guest who shares their story leaves a lasting imprint, not just on this platform, but every soul who listens because you never know who's listening and the hope.
You are going to give them. So as our gift to you, I have bought a second book. I have, I own two, and I will be donating that to our women's, um, shelter here in town. And Aw, thank you. In honor of you and just that story and sharing that there's a local and hopefully making the connection where you can come and share your story because.
It's so important to hear from another person that you're not the only one you know, and like I said, from reading your words as heavy and sometimes it was hard, I'm not gonna lie, I had to, it is like had to like take a deep breath and. And I had to go back sometimes and go, wait a minute, did I read that?
Like, 'cause you are very raw and I admire you for being so truthful. But from a friend of someone who doesn't have have the success story, I see a different perspective now. And
Tammy, any day my story could have been different. That's not what she wanted. That's not, but it really helps to know that, you know, you found the courage to get out and that you're gonna help so many people, Brandi, with just sharing your story and be courageous to not, not just hide your scars, you know?
So, I mean, you can go through the shame of it, right? Of. I can't believe I lived that, or, you know. Yeah. And then what are my family gonna think? What are my kids gonna think of actually speaking my truth? But you helped me. You've helped me. And I don't, because I did. I've never experienced that side of it.
Mm-hmm. And I guess I didn't realize how much of, from reading, how much of Agel. It can be to that person. Yeah. So yeah, you are definitely a source of hope and the courage and that you have given to women and children and you know, for those who, if you haven't been through this situation or you don't know, I encourage you to read the book because it will help you see things in a completely different light, like.
I view my relationship with Janie. I've given myself grace after reading your book and just the courage that you have, girl. I mean, wow. Wow. And thank you for, thank you for the gift being very raw and being very open because the healing that you are helping other women and their friends find. And their children find is, it is absolutely wonderful.
Like no words can really put into that brandy what you're doing. You know? And the, the, the funny thing is, I, I wrote, I've been in therapy for decades and I, and I really just wrote this, um, for me. I didn't, I didn't write it for any other reason. I just wanted to put my truth in words and in black and white.
And so I can just say, okay, yep. That's my own validation. Um, so to hear that it helped you in any way at all, um, was the reason why I decided to publish it? Yes, because I said even if it would help one person. Me, definitely me. So for those listeners, you can connect with Brandy and grab her book After the bruises fade, we'll have the link, um, that she has shared with us on our show notes and on our Facebook page.
To all the listeners, if you have a story of change, we would love to hear from you. You can apply to be a guest on our Facebook page or by clicking the link in our show notes. Your journey may just be exactly what someone else needs to hear right now on their healing journey. And finally, don't forget to subscribe.
Share this episode and leave us a review because the more we share, the more hearts that find us. Um, Brandi, again, I cannot thank you enough for being here with me today and being. Willing to just sit in this space and unmask it because your story is heavy, but it's one that needs to be told. It's one that needs to be heard, and I feel honored that you allowed this platform to be a source for you.
Well, thank you for having me. I, I appreciate the work that you're doing to try to help people heal out loud. Yes. And as we close all of my podcasts, I just want to remind everyone that change begins within and it starts one heart to heart at a time. Thank you so much for joining us today as we unmask the raw truths that heal.
We'll see you guys next time. Thanks so much. Bye.
