Welcome back to Unmasking the Heart for Change, where we dive into real stories behind transformation, one heart to heart at a time. I'm your host, Tammy Winstead, and I'm so thankful you've made the choice to be here with me today. I do want to pause here and say this episode references domestic violence. If you need support, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text the word START to 88788.
Today I want to unmask something that is super raw for me. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. One of the hashtags you'll see this month is everyone knows someone. And I am unfortunately one of those people who know someone. My life mentor and best friend was a victim of domestic violence 12 years ago. And she unfortunately paid the ultimate price.
I've had this episode written for several months now and I really regret not recording it before the video was added because without a doubt you're likely going to see me break down today.
While I am still on my healing journey around this topic, lately the wound has ripped wide open for me again as I enter a new season of my life. This grown and flown chapter should have her here with me. And it's painful to remember the plans we made for this time in our lives that can never come to a fruition all because she was taken from us way too soon.
Today I want to share with you some stories about my friend Janie.
Now I want to be completely honest. I am far from healed enough to talk to you today about the story that stole her life from us.
I'm still very much working through that. Yes, even 12 years later. Some friendships and people come into your life and they can never be replaced or forgotten. She is that person for me. However, today I do want to share with you about my biggest life regret that I have when I think about on the time that I spent with her. And that's the topic of wasted conversation.
Friends, I know that she has been heavy with me in spirit this year because I see things that we discussed while she was here becoming more more present in my life. I know that she is smiling down on me from above. And today, Janie, dear friend, this conversation is just for you. And I hope that by sharing my regret,
with everyone today, I can make sure they don't make the same mistakes that I
Today, Janie, this one's for you. To my listeners today, please have grace with me as you hear my voice crack and my nose run. This podcast isn't meant to be polished and perfect. It exists to be real messy and heart led. And today's topic is absolutely all of those things for me. I first have to take you back to when me and Janie first met.
I was 15 and she was older than me, married with kids. I used to tease her. I used to tease her about that all the time and she'd quickly snap back, older means wiser and that's why you should listen to your elders. One Sunday, she walked up to me and said, I'm going to mentor you. And I quickly replied, no thanks. I don't want to mentor.
Without missing a beat, she responded, well, that's fine. I'm going to mentor you anyway. Friends, I figure you have already guessed how the story played out. She did, in fact, begin to mentor me. And I am absolutely blessed today because of the interactions that took place that Sunday. We would often reflect and laugh about that day. And she told me that she just saw a lot of herself in me and she was drawn to that.
Wishing she would have had someone to step in and mentor her and so she decided to be that person for me Despite the fact that I didn't really want it
So today, while I am choosing to unmask a story I learned in losing her, I don't want to share every detail of her story because I don't want her life defined by its end. Today, I will share pieces of a friendship that shaped me.
and my biggest regret from the one of the hardest lessons I've had to carry on without her. I would also like to pause here for a moment and welcome anyone who had the pleasure of knowing my friend, Janie. Please feel free to reach out and join me on a future episode. I would love for you to honor her by sharing the stories about the life that she was to you. I feel that's what she deserves to be known for.
the influence and impact that she made on so many people that are truly better humans in this world simply because they knew her.
Honestly, the last few years of my life have made her absence heavier and that's what I want to unmask with you today. Now that I'm in this uncharted stage of my life being a grown and flown mom, I find myself wishing I could call her up and ask her, Am I doing this right?
Is it supposed to feel harder than it did when they were infants keeping me up all hours of the night? Is it normal to feel this way? How do I know when I'm supposed to stay out of it? And when do I know when it's the right time to step in? How do I manage feeling sadness about them being gone and pride for the fact that they are doing so well all at the same time? What am I supposed to do with my life now?
when my focus for so long has been on being their mom. How do I figure out what's next in life for me?
All these questions race through my mind on an endless loop sometimes.
Questions I wish I could ask, directions that I am very aware that I need, and yet I ask them aloud to myself, and the quietness around me is deafening. I think back to when her son moved off to college and how she would cry to me about it. At the time, I didn't understand the tears or the distinct sound of that
cry she had, but now I hear that same sound come from me as I too find myself in those moments. Yet now I don't have her on the other end of the line to comfort me. She and I made a promise to each other that was supposed to take place last year as my youngest headed off to college. We had promised each other that in August of 2024, after I moved Ryleigh off to college,
that we would take a girls trip to celebrate the fact that we survived raising the kids under our roof. And last August, honestly, it felt impossible when I came home to an empty house and a promise left unfulfilled.
My regret weighs heavy on me lately as I remember the conversation we would have when she was alive. She was already walking through the season I now find myself in. She was navigating the transitions that I find myself in right now. And instead of leaning into intentional conversation, learning from her wisdom, I let so much of our time be filled with venting and complaining.
and distractions that I can't even name today. That's how irrelevant those times were in the grand scheme of things. That regret lingers with me now more than ever, especially now that I need those intentional conversations the most. Yes, we did talk about parenting and family, but with our kids in such different stages of life, I often found myself listening more times than speaking.
and would often give her advice from her kid's perspective as to what I would have wanted my parent to do if I was in that situation. A truly valid perspective, and I know I helped her too, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered to call me and have those conversations. I just wish I would have known to ask for the wisdom I needed most now in my life way back then. I simply didn't yet understand the weight of the season that she was in.
And now I look back and realize the true weight of the friendship that was stolen from me. And if you're listening and you've lost someone, maybe you know exactly what I mean right now. The absolute truth is I can't even remember the details of most of the things that we complained to each other about. I know if any minor convenience happened to me, I was immediately picking up the phone and telling Janie.
And I can guarantee you if I was mad at you, she was mad at you too. And we both didn't like you for whatever you did. Those inconveniences that seemed so big at the time. Yeah, those have all faded now.
I do have extremely fond memories of her too. Of course I remember her laugh. I remember the way her smile would light up every single room that she was in. And that no matter what she was going to figure out a way to make me laugh about whatever was going on.
Let me tell you a story about one of those times. I'll never forget as I was going through my divorce, I would often travel over to Jonesboro to meet up with her and have dinner. One time we agreed to meet at Olive Garden. She got there first, so she texted and told me that she had gotten us a table. I came in and told the hostess that I was meeting a lady named Janie, wild, crazy hair, bigger than life personality.
The hostess looked at me and told me she was sorry that she didn't have anyone that met that description.
I immediately pulled out my phone to make sure that she did in fact tell me that she had gotten a table and didn't say for me to grab a table thinking maybe I misread the conversation. I sat down on the benches and began to reread the conversation and she text and said, hello, are you not gonna come sit with me?
I glance up and look around and still can't find her anywhere. And at this point, I think she must be outside messing with me. So I go outside, find her car, and there's no one in it. Now I'm 100 % sure I'm losing my mind completely. Because what in the world's going on right now? My phone dings again, and she said, why did you leave?
Confused I go back inside and ask the hostess if she mind if I would just walk around and look for my friend because she had Text and said that she was there So I go up and down glancing at tables, and then I hear the laugh I Turn and there she set in a short bob wig Glasses and a scarf tied around her neck and off to the side
I wanted to pick up the salad and toss it on her, but instead I sat down in the chair across from her laughing so hard I was crying because once again she had managed to do it. She took the weight of the world completely off my shoulders as we were sitting there laughing hysterically at the awkwardness.
as I was searching for my long lost friend. That's what I remember most about her. The way no matter how dull my light seemed to get in life, one quick call to her or a trip to see her would always make that light recharge back to its ultimate brightness. Ready to take on the weight of the world once again. I'll never forget her encouragement and the way she could make me feel like I was ready to face
whatever challenge life has thrown my way. I always walked away feeling lighter after we had talked, like I wasn't having to shoulder all of it on my own anymore. I look back now and think about how much I wish I could have spent more time on intentional conversation, conversations that mattered, conversations that could have prepared me for the season I'm in right now and the years ahead.
The sad truth is that as she is frozen forever in time, I'm quickly approaching the age she was when she passed. One of these days, I'll outlive my best friend who I always picked on for being older than me. That's a hard thought to wrap my head around. As I look at this stage of my life and how everything about my life seems to be changing, my mindsets, desires, my interests,
body is changing and I really want to pick up the phone and ask her what to do next. I took for granted the fact that I would always have her here and pushed off conversations that I should have had. I thought she would just always be available on the other end of the phone until life took her and she wasn't there anymore. I'll never forget that morning that I found out.
The news crashed over me like a wave of grief that I couldn't even fathom. I thought it was a lie. Surely the source had heard things wrong. Maybe they had fought, sure, but they fight a lot so the person was wrong. There's no way information was true. It just wasn't possible. Not Janie. Not my best friend.
The sad truth is that months before this event took place, she had helped me plan my wedding. My husband and I actually got married in the home that she would later fall victim
to the violence in. We met up quite a bit there at the end as time quickly approached for the wedding day And one day a few months prior I received a text from one of her coworkers that I really needed to get Janie to go to lunch with me that day.
So, I called her freaking out, something she was used to of course, and I insisted that she meet for me for lunch. We met at one of the Mexican restaurants in town that didn't draw a large lunch crowd because I had explained to her that I needed a quieter place just in case I broke down. It was August, super hot that day and incredibly muggy, and she showed up in a long sleeve shirt with a semi-turtle neck.
with a t-shirt over it. Immediately, I understood why I needed to see her that day. I faked my way through whatever problem that I was having that demanded her need to see me that day until I couldn't anymore. And she knew immediately.
I'll never forget the look on her face as she called me out on my intent for having her come that day.
The betrayal that I knew she felt of a conversation that was had behind her back about the situation. And one thing always remained true. I may be able to fool a multitude of people, but fooling her wasn't an easy task. I broke down and I admitted that I was terrified for her safety.
and then I didn't know what I would do if I didn't have her in my life. She grabbed her purse and walked outside as I ran behind her that day.
And in the parking lot, I begged her to please let me go get her stuff and just to please leave. I told her I didn't care about having to move the wedding or whatever crazy excuse that she would throw up about why this moment in time wasn't the right moment for her.
chills run over me now as I think about that conversation. My words to her were that he's going to hurt you and that I'm going to have to do the same to him. And Drew and Rye's mom will be locked up in jail for the rest of their lives.
I will never forget the calmness on her face as she said the next statement that lives with me to this day.
She looked at me and said, no you won't, Tammy, because you're a better person than that.
Now when I think back about it, she didn't deny it was a possibility. She herself knew the reality of the situation more than any of us did. She never denied that her fate may end that way,
But she was sure to speak life into me by giving me words that I still hang onto to this day. No you won't, Tammy, because you're a better person than that.
The amount of times I've had to look at myself and say those words back to me has been far too many to count over the last 12 years. I faced multiple times when I've wanted to just let my flesh take control and handle whatever I was facing. But her words, no, you won't, Tammy, because you're a better person than that. Hold me.
when the blows of life seem unbearable.
So why am I sharing this with you today? It's not my jolly uplifting content that I try to be intentional about sharing. Well, friend, I'm sharing this because I don't want you to live with the same regret in life. I want you to pause for a second and think about the people in your life right now, your friends, family, mentors, or siblings.
Are your conversations meaningful? Or are you filling the day wasting it on things that really won't matter in five, 10, or 12 years from now? Please don't get me wrong. We all need to vent, but we need to balance it. Make space for asking the questions that matter.
Make space to listen for the wisdom of the people you love while you still can. Because I promise you, life and time are a thief that can be taken away from you before you even realize it. I would give anything for one more phone call with her. One more intentional conversation where I could ask, how am I doing in
How did you go through this stage and make it look so easy? How did you find the strength to let go and move on in life without being a daily presence in theirs? And how did you find the strength to get up each morning, just keep going?
So today I want to leave you with a challenge. The next time you're talking with someone who matters to you, take the conversation deeper. Ask them a question you'd be glad you did 10 years from now. Listen for the things you'll want to remember when they're no longer here to answer.
Maybe today it looks like asking your friend or life mentor how they handled their 30s, 40s or 50s. Or maybe it's calling them up to ask about their hardest transition in life and how they navigated it. Or just calling them up to say that you love them. Because friend, life is short and our conversations are sacred. Please don't waste them.
As I close today, I want to leave you with Janie's words. Words that still guide me when life feels unbearable. When life gets hard and you
say, no you won't, because you're a better person than that.
Friends, thank you so much for sitting with me today as I am mass this life regret with you of wasted conversations. This was a hard one for me to share, but I believe in the power of honesty and transparency. And I know it has the power to help us heal. And maybe it helps you to avoid the mistakes I've made.
so you don't find yourself in this situation. My hope is that my regret can become your reminder to treasure the conversation you still have time to have. If this episode resonated with you today, please share it with someone you love and maybe find the strength to have that deeper conversation with them in the days ahead. Until next time, keep unmasking the heart for change, one real, raw and intentional conversation at a time.
And always remember change begins with in and it starts one heart to heart at a time. Thanks for being with me today. I'll see you next week. Bye friends.